In her latest 041Baby column, Odette Parfitt shares a candid look at the reality of being a working mom—the exhaustion, the constant demands, and the lack of understanding from those who haven’t lived it.
This morning I got up at 4am. Lately I have been doing this rather frequently. My almost-two-
year-old son normally wakes up around 6am if he’s had a normal night of sleep (about 80%
of the time; the other 20% of the time I wake up with him next to me and I’m trapped by
some limb).
Whether it’s work I need to catch up on or I need to handle the admin around our mentorship
programme, these two hours in the early morning are sometimes my most productive day.
Once we hit 6am, it’s morning routine, out the door, and then the workday is a constant state
of busy. At 4pm, it’s the drive back, picking up my son from daycare, home, early dinner for
him, then dinner for us, then playtime, bathtime, bedtime. By 8pm I finally get to sit down and
then I have roughly an hour and a half before I fall asleep in front of the TV.
I am not saying this to complain, but to paint the picture of a reality that most working
parents will know pretty well. And yet, in a recent encounter with someone who does not
have children, I realised that nobody is about to pat us on the back for it.
At this point, a disclaimer: I am not trying to disparage: 1. Childless women, 2. Stay-at-home
moms, or 3. Dads. Each of these paths comes with its own difficulties. But as I am none of
the above, I can only speak on the experience of being a working mom. And being a working
mom is hard work. You have about an hour, maybe two, a day where you are not in demand
(and then you also have to keep your relationship alive and well).
The point is, I think the only people who can truly understand and respect the effort this gig
takes, are working moms themselves. Perhaps this is why, once you have a child, you
suddenly find yourself making more mom friends and seeing fewer of your friends who don’t
have children – because they get why you are tired, and you don’t have to lug all your kids
toys along, and they also now prefer to make plans during the daytime.
In the workplace I have been mostly fortunate, belonging to a team where parental duties
are understood and accommodated. A lot of women out there are not as lucky. As my sister
would put it: you’re expected to work like you don’t have a child, and parent like you don’t
have a job. And your two full-time jobs don’t always stick to their set hours; work needs to be
done at nights and over weekends sometimes, and your kid might be sick and need you
during work hours.
As moms, we already carry a lot of guilt over everything we see as inadequacies, as we try to
juggle many different things and roles. To then add being judged for putting your child’s
needs ahead of work – that stings a bit.
I think the best solution for working moms is: to forgive yourself for only being one person,
because in all likelihood you are already doing more than the average one-person, and pat
yourself on the back for doing all those things pretty well. You’re doing better than you think
you are, and we (as the universal community of working moms) have your back.
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