ODETTE PARFITT
A funny, raw and honest take on parenting pressure, haircuts, and learning to be kinder to yourself.
A few months ago, I attempted to give my toddler a haircut.
It was bad. Like, Yolandi Visser bad.
As much as a friend assured me that a terrible haircut is basically a rite of passage, it got me thinking about mom guilt in a big way.
Mom guilt has been a real problem for me, and I actually thought it would get better as my son got older — but nope. I’m just finding new and more complex things to feel irrationally guilty about.
Take a few weeks ago, for example, when he came down with RSV (like half of NMB’s kids, from what I can tell). I went through a whole spiral of guilt in about 48 hours:
- Feeling guilty that I had to miss work to take him to the doctor
- Feeling guilty that I couldn’t afford to take off work to stay at home with him
- Feeling guilty that my parents had to look after him and potentially get sick themselves (even though they basically volunteered)
The Impossible Standard
Here’s the thing about mom guilt: it’s almost always based on our failure to do everything, and do it perfectly.
How unrealistic, unfair, and unkind (to ourselves) is that?
Which brings me right back to the doomed haircut attempt. I spent quite a bit of time beating myself up for not immediately being good at giving haircuts — despite having zero experience in it.
No Cure, But a Few Coping Tools
Bad news: there is no cure for mom guilt, from what I’ve been able to gather.
From the get-go — when you’re still pregnant — you’re inundated with unsolicited opinions on decisions you haven’t even made yet.
Choosing a C-section? Horrible mom, your child is now more likely to be a meth addict one day. (Not even exaggerating — I was literally told that.)
Formula over breastfeeding? Congratulations, your child’s IQ just dropped by 50 points.
But there is some good news: you can learn to talk yourself down.
I try to remind myself that my child is healthy, happy, fed, rested, clothed, and learning — and from time to time, a pat on the back goes a long way to mitigating mom guilt (even though it feels unnatural to tell yourself you’re doing a decent job).
You’re Allowed to Be a Person Too
The more difficult mantra, of course, is this:
You’re not a bad mom because you care about things other than your child — like your job, your marriage, your friendships, or your own sanity.
I remember in the early days, when I was really struggling with breastfeeding and 98% of the people I interacted with were pressuring me to make it work, one single person said to me:
“Using formula and still keeping your baby well-fed is not the end of the world. In the years of sacrifices you will make for your child, it’s perfectly OK once in a while to choose something that is convenient for you.”
I’ve held onto that for the past two years:
I’m not a bad parent or person if sometimes I choose something that suits me — especially when it has no negative impact on my child.
You’re Probably Doing Better Than You Think
It can be so easy to criticise ourselves — and motherhood just amplifies that — but as a rule:
you’re probably doing a better job than you think.
My only advice against mom guilt is this:
make it a habit, at least once a week, to congratulate yourself for the amazing things you do and the mental load you’re managing to carry.
While you’re at it, congratulate the moms around you too — we all need to hear it.
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