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041Culture | Mvume Ndimba

Please read with Anita Baker playing in the background for maximum effect

This column is a critical breakdown of internet nonsense. After I missed International Super-Power Day for all Black people worldwide, I made it my goal to tell you guys when the internet is losing its mind.

Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?

If not, you are about to. Because according to “reputable source” Pastor Joshua Mhlakela(pictured), Jesus Christ returns on Tuesday, 23/09/2025. And I, personally, have some thoughts.

First of all, anybody who knows me knows that I live by a handful of mantras and sayings that I repeat over and over. Some to reinforce who I am in the mind of the listener, many to reinforce who I am to myself. One of those sayings is: “I’m dope as fuck, and my God doesn’t play about me.”

And one thing about South Africa and church is we WILL play about God, with a serious face too. So in the rest of this article I will be sharing how this theory put together by Mr. Mhlakela should hold as much biblical relevance to you as:

• The “Doom” pastor who sprayed insect repellent in the faces of his congregants to ward off evil spirits.
• Buddy who went to heaven in a dream and took a selfie (yes, that infamous selfie still exists online if you look hard enough).
• Or my personal favourite, the Rhabula Church, who during the pandemic fought for our right to drink alcohol. When the government wanted to shut us down, this church stood tall and fought back. Alcohol is part of their religion to the extent that your preferred beverage is the water you are baptised in. Amazing stuff.

But before we get into the many (and I mean many) reasons why we should not believe Brother Joshua, let’s indulge him a little and look at the “supporting evidence” before we get to my favourite part of every column: getting some of this hate off.

Why 2025 is Having a Moment

Joshua is not the first person to make the claim that Christ (or a similar figure) would appear or begin to reveal Themselves during 2025.

• Alice Bailey theorised that 2025 would mark “the lifting of the veil,” where humanity would come face to face with our creators and finally gain the knowledge we have been searching for in our hollow lives.
• The Age of Aquarius: 2025 is considered the dawn of this new age, one of intellectual awakening, community, and innovation. Basically the opposite of the Age of Pisces (materialism, individualism, external authority) which has defined the last 2000 years.
• Prophecies: Baba Vanga, Nostradamus, Athos Salome, and Nicolas Aujula all pointed at 2025 as a year of collapse, calamity, or transformation.
• Rosh Hashana: Jewish New Year begins on 23/09/2025, and some internet corners are convinced this is when the “trumpets of heaven” will sound.

If I had been as woke in 2020 as I am now, I could have warned you that Jesus was coming back when I got my superpowers with the rest of Black people worldwide (Google “Negrosolstice” — but don’t tell anyone I sent you).

So maybe Pastor Mhlakela got his foresight the same way. Maybe he did the shadow work in 2020, maybe his powers unlocked then, maybe he is part of a wider 2025 prophecy club.

Or maybe he is just another hustler trying to squeeze donations from his congregation.

Why I Call Cap

History tells us that apocalypse prophets have a 100% failure rate.

• 1999 did not stop anything except our confidence in writing dates.
• December 2012 came and went.
• The Listeriosis outbreak could not stop me, and I am still eating polony to this day.
• I did not get any superpowers in 2020. Sad, but true.

And I am very confident that on 26/09/2025 we will all be at work, or at home on leave, but still here.

The main reason I think this is nonsense is the idea that God would let me work all of September and then schedule the rapture for the day before payday. No sir. As I said earlier, He does not play about me.

South Africa: The World Capital of Religious Nonsense

When I hear a pastor make a bold claim, I think of:

• Rhabula Church sponsored by Gordon’s Gin.
• Pastor Mboro screaming “Rise!” at a coffin stunt with a paid actor, but refusing to do the same at Mandela’s grave.
• Siener van Rensburg, the “Boer Nostradamus.”
• Or Mboro again, who up until 2024 was still seen as prophetic, until he stormed into his grandchild’s school with armed men carrying guns and pangas.

Basically, if you heard it from a South African pastor, assume it is a lie. Every single time.

So What Now?

This column should be published on 23rd or 24th of September. If you are reading this, I have good news, bad news, and unsettling news:

1. Good news: If you are reading this, the rapture probably did not happen, and you will get your salary this month.
2. Bad news: The rapture could have happened, and you are still here, facing the tribulations. Call the nicest person you know and see if they pick up.
3. Unsettling news: Maybe the rapture did happen, and we were all wrong. Maybe Scientologists had it right all along, and we now live in a Tom Cruise and John Travolta-free world. That, my friends, is the real tribulation.

But for real, the Bible is clear: “No one knows the day or the hour of the Rapture except God the Father” (Matthew 24:36, Mark 13:32). And honestly, most Matthews and Marks I know are pretty solid dudes.

So I spent Monday night deep in this research. I think I know the real reason Pastor Joshua made this claim. Look out for my follow-up column where I unpack his motivations, and why he says he will be on Instagram Live all day on 23/09/2025… but not the 24th.

Fair warning: that one is going to be an angry rant.