It’s 9pm on a weeknight and I am at my computer writing this article while my husband handles the often-frustrating bedtime routine. Once baby is in bed, he says beforehand, maybe we can see about spending 5 to 10 minutes together before we, too, go to sleep. That is of course after I’ve also washed dishes and packed lunches for tomorrow.
Here’s the reality: parenting can be hard, yes, but when it comes to the early years (in my experience, that is), parenting is above all time-consuming. Gone are the lazy days where you could sleep in and only become a functional human around noon. Mornings are early, evenings are short, and the chores that come with raising a human being are plenty.
In between doing your best to be a good parent, a high-performing employee, an attentive friend, a dutiful child – and let’s not forget about that all-important self-care and making time to keep your own interests – you also have to put in the effort to be a loving spouse. And sometimes it is hard to find the time and energy your partner deserves from you.
Since I’m still trying to figure out how to balance it all, I asked some of my 041 colleagues for their wisdom.
“Marriage with five kids and a dog is no easy feat —there’s always someone needing something, barking, or mysteriously sticky,” shares Luchae. “But we’ve learned not to lean too much on the grand gestures. In this season, we strengthen our relationship in the stolen moments, the inside jokes, and the snacks we sneak after bedtime like a couple of teenagers. Serving in church ministry together keeps us grounded with a shared vision. We do try to schedule monthly date nights but it can be tricky. So we make do with moments that we steal after the house quiets down, whether it’s a Netflix binge, a game of chess, or just sinking into the couch and actually finishing a conversation.”
For our fearless leader Eleanor, the balance has become easier as her son has grown older. “Our preteen has officially decided we’re uncool and avoids us at all costs. But even before that, we took full advantage of every ‘leave him here sometime’ offer from the grandparents! In all seriousness, having just one kid has meant one of us has always had to be the player 2, so we’ve spent a lot of time with him. At the same time, we’ve always explained that some outings are just for the adults, and he’s been very understanding.”
From the other coast, Faziela advises that friendship with your partner is crucial. “For us there’s a natural ease in being best friends first. With two kids and working hybrid, we take moments during our day. Whether it be sharing snacks at our desk or sending funny videos to each other, we take it one moment at a time.”
As for me: I am learning to be thankful for the pockets of time I do have with my husband, and I am trying to create those pockets wherever I can – so we can still be people who cherish each other instead of co-parents who happen to live together. I won’t pretend it’s not challenging when so much of our lives have become about chores and responsibilities and a beautiful, amazing toddler. But nothing teaches you about the speed of passing time quite like a child, and I for one want every possible minute to be shared with joy and kindness with this little family of mine.
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