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041Baby columnist Odette Parfitt shares the highs and lows of her breastfeeding journey, along with some words of advice for anyone struggling.

WHEN a close friend on the other side of the country gave birth recently, I was sharply reminded of the first few days of my son’s life. So much so that I needed to write about it.

See, my friend had been a mother for mere hours before the struggle of breastfeeding hit her. I suppose somewhere in the world there are women who instantly know what to do when their babies are born and are just naturally good at breastfeeding from the get-go. That was not my friend’s experience, or my experience, or really the experience of anyone I know.

Here’s the thing: breastfeeding is basically worshiped as this ideal that all mothers should aspire to. Don’t get me wrong; it is beyond incredible that your body can just make the nutrients your baby needs and if you can breastfeed, it’s quite amazing. It’s also really, really hard – and we don’t talk about that part enough.

“I feel useless,” my friend tells me, summing up the whole experience of learning to breastfeed neatly. Because that is what it is – breastfeeding is a skill you have to learn, and a skill that your baby has to learn, and guess what? You’re both rubbish at it.

I certainly felt useless when Owen was born. When I was pregnant, I kept saying that I wanted to try breastfeeding but that I was open to formula if it didn’t work – and I really thought it was that simple. Nobody prepares you for the irrational guilt of failing at (what you believe is) your first job as a mother. 

Of course, I can only share my own experience, so here goes. My son was born one day before his due date, large and healthy, and yet from the day before we were discharged he stopped wanting to drink. This later turned out to be due to an intestinal infection that landed him in NICU for two weeks, during which time he was fed intravenously. Long story short: suddenly he was three weeks old and ready to be sent home, and I still didn’t know how to breastfeed. 

At this point, I had had plenty of well-meaning nurses forcibly shove my boob into my baby’s mouth, and not a single one of them had stopped to explain to me what I should be doing. (Any nurses out there reading this: it does more harm than good, we as new mothers need to be able to do this when we are home and you’re no longer around.)

It was thanks to a wonderful lactation consultant – one who talked me through the process instead of manhandling me – that I eventually figured out breastfeeding – right when it was causing so much stress that I was ready to give up on it. 

Some of what I told my friend came from her, and some of it came from what I learned, but here’s what I wish someone had told me then:

• You’re supposed to suck at this in the beginning.
• Help is available and you should definitely ask for it. 
• You are not a failure.
• Not being able to breastfeed is actually not the end of the world and your baby won’t starve or suffer greatly if he/she is formula-fed.

With any luck, this is of comfort to some of our readers out there, but at the very least, I have this pep talk to go back to when I need it most (it pretty much applies to all aspects of new-motherhood anyway).