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Looking back on Mother’s Day 041culture columnist Mvume Ndimba shares his views on modern-day parenting and fatherhood.

After 30 you start to realise how many single mothers are really outside…  

Some of us have been lied to and told that marriage is antiquated and not a good idea in today’s economy. Some of us have already gone down the road of marriage and already divorced or in some cases stayed together and are clearly draining one another… A “good” marriage is as hard to find as a woman over 30 with no kids.   

Being a committed and faithful man, I can only watch from the sidelines as my friends and peers navigate the perilous terrain that is the dating market. The drama that comes with getting close to the kids just for the relationship to go sour between the grown-ups causing the little ones to suffer over and over again. 

So this Mother’s Day, while I spent time with my family I noticed that some of you don’t come with that same “Father’s Day” energy (and you know what im talking about) 

Most men will post up and show off their kid every Father’s Day on some “thank you for making me a father” stuff but on Mother’s Day, it’s pretty quiet on the socials considering that man couldn’t be a father without some help from the person who felt every moment of that child’s life from conception to birth. 

As fathers, we are in a very difficult spot. We know how tough it is to be a parent and be a partner at the same time. We actively decide to be present every day and put effort into having a positive impact on our child’s life. This isn’t anything incredible (because mothers do the exact same thing every day plus the physical impact of childbirth)

But it becomes a greater achievement when you consider the fact that as men… we don’t really have to do any of that. 

Now before you get angry, hear me out. We all know deadbeat dads. We all have someone in our lives who ran out on his family, went to get some milk from the petrol station and got lost for a couple of decades. We also have the brand of present but uninvolved fathers (a part-timer if you will). As men, we are very well aware that we don’t have to be there really. We chose to be there. Every day we decide that this is what I want and this is where I want to be. 

Some of our fathers did that to us growing up, some of our fathers disappeared and showed up again when we were in positions to help them, and some of our fathers wouldn’t recognise us on the street if they walked past us. And every time you see your husband staring off into space with “nothing” on his mind… chances are high that he’s thinking of all the deadbeat dads out there moving smarter than them… but in spite of that. We stay. Because that’s what we want to do. 

I can’t quite make the counter-point from the mothers’ perspective, I am not a mother and will never be one, but as a father… I think it’s important for mothers to remember that by virtue of us actually still being here we are choosing you. Every time. Every day. 

So as we approach Father’s Day, with Mother’s Day firmly in the rear-view mirror, be sure to watch how much more active social media will be, how many more posts you will see about being every woman and thank your man (with or without a gift) for finding his way home from the shop consistently. For making the choice and being consistent with it. 

As fathers. I think it’s okay to understand that we are doing more in this day and age than any crop of fathers before us, but don’t forget that doing better than the bare minimum is still the minimum. We need to approach fatherhood and how we approach all challenges in life. We need to work and improve daily without obsessing over the fact that these deadbeat mfs are really moving way smarter than us!!!