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041MINDS columnist Nicole Mohamed talks about the realities of romantic relationships when neurodivergent.

WHEN the ‘spice’ in your marriage isn’t referring to romance.

Before I continue, this column isn’t just targeted towards marriage. It’s any partnership between two people that really, really like each other and decided to do life together (that would’ve been a very long title, which would destroy our SEO ratings).

Onward with the column!

Now, while I can only write this from the perspective of someone with ADHD, it can apply to anyone whose neuropathways decided to take the party bus instead of the old, trusted, family sedan. In fact, it probably rings true for the neurotypical people out there too.

The effort and ability put into long-term, cohabitating relationships is not 50/50! I came across this while doom-scrolling through Tik Tok recently. A video centred around a woman who has been married for over twenty years, explained how this old philosophy just isn’t true of realistic long-term relationships. 

For centuries it has been taught that marriage is the union of two people, who then make a whole. However, I feel the reality is a little more like Khalil Gibran’s writings in The Prophet – you can read it here https://tinyurl.com/yp4zrms5. Once you get through the poetic language, it’s essentially saying that marriage is the union of two individuals, like, two whole people…not half people. This makes you realise that one whole person isn’t always performing at 100%, so it would be unrealistic to think that each person can be 50% of the partnership every single day. Even more so when one, or even both, people in this union are neurodivergent.

From an ADHD perspective, there are times when I can bring 200% to my relationship and times when 25% is a push. Things like simple tasks around the house or handling the admin that comes with being a parent, homemaker, employee, and general member of society are really hard for me sometimes. Not because I’m lazy or incapable, but because my brain’s functionality to apply my skills and knowledge are just not there at the time. While I’m in the depths of ADHD paralysis or burnout, my partner pretty much picks up where I’m lacking. This can be quite taxing on the partner who’s grabbing all the ropes that you’ve left hanging and it can send you into a spiral of guilt that extends your funk even more. Unless you’re prepared for the fact that some days, you’re giving 20% and others 80%.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, while it’s all good and well to admit that you can’t always give your all, it’s also not an excuse to keep giving the minimum. This will definitely lead to splitting your assets and you having to give 100% in the end, because you’re alone.

Your capabilities at any given moment in your and your partner’s lives, should be communicated. If you’ve had a rough day and can’t even lift the pan to the stove, you have to share that with your partner. If you can handle all the tasks and give them a bit of a breather, you need to share that too. When couples’ councillors tell you that communication is key to all successful relationships, they’re not just quoting cutesy inspirational posts.

So, here’s a few tips and tricks from someone who’s got a decade or two of this whole “sharing my life with someone else” thing:

• Recognise your weaknesses: We all have them. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. Mine, in particular, is that I often have zero motivation to clean my house but get extremely overwhelmed by the mess. I also have a terrible memory and need constant reminders of certain things. Especially when my task list is extremely long.
• Communicate your current state: This ‘state’ refers to your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Don’t try to soldier through physical pain or low emotions, it’s only going to lead to an explosion of emotions with your partner standing, wide-mouthed and covered in your emotional explosion goop.
• Clearly communicate how your partner can assist: Cue the age-old phrase “I’m not a mind reader!”, because most of us aren’t no matter what the generalisation of the sexes is. If you know that dirty dishes are physically impossible to clean when you’re in the depths of a mental overload, let your partner know! That way they’re not subjected to your indirect sighs and soul-devouring glares.
• Don’t make it a one-way transaction: You need to be 80-100% sometimes. You need to recognise that you are not the only one who has off days/weeks/months. Your partner is human too and, while they may not need the accommodations and assistance that you do all time, they do still need them. They also need to work through their stressors, and you may be the exact person to help pull them out of that funk sooner. Not necessarily by being their in-house psychologist, but by grabbing some of the ropes that they’ve left hanging.

No matter how you’re wired, there WILL be a time when you can’t manage everything that this adulting gig has lined up. An extra 80% may be just what you need to be your best self again.

Until next time, be kind and keep it spicy…and give your person a hug, or chocolate, or both-they may just need it.