In this column, Mvume Ndima dives into the recent failed rapture prediction with equal parts wit and sharp critique. Expect satire, cultural commentary, and a closer look at how pastors, podcasts, and gullible audiences keep fuelling these viral moments.
By now the rapture would’ve passed and most of us should be carrying on with the rest of our lives.
I am writing this on 23/09/2025 and I’m going to make some predictions of my own damn it. But before I get into my Mega-Church pastor bag, let me give you all some context about the claim, where it was made and how I know it’s all bullshit.
Pastor Joshua Mhakela had claimed to have received a divine message from Jesus Christ Himself that during the Feast Of Trumpets (a Jewish celebration) our Lord and Saviour would return triumphantly to take His devotees into heaven with Him, leaving the rest of the population to scrap and scramble to survive the 1000 years of tribulation.
When I heard the claim I became excited. I love pastor drama because they are basically always going to scam you, it’s in the nature of their job. I imagined a slender, well-dressed man in really shiny, really pointy shoes and an equally shiny suit screaming at the top of his lungs that “Jesus is coming!” I imagined the congregation whipped into a frenzy, hanging on to every word of this charlatan. Screaming “Go deeper papa!” in response to his calls. (Churches are weird, guys).
In my mind this claim grew organically, by word of mouth, and began to swell from his little dusty tent-church to the rest of the world. I thought this pastor had done the unthinkable and taken his small congregation global with a bold claim that was backed up by a lot of anti-semitism, conspiracy theories and some interesting astronomical and historical context.
If you remember, a few weeks ago we saw a massive glowing blood moon in the sky. Add to that the fact that from September 2024 to date, we have experienced four different eclipses—which isn’t unusual if you research stuff—but if you get all your information from TikTok and church you were 100% all-in on rapture. As the Good Book says: look to the sky for signs of His second coming.
Imagine my disappointment when I saw it.
The pastor looked exactly how I imagined him to look, a slender fellow with a beard that showed signs of his ageing. He was sat across from two women who dressed in “modest” Christian outfits and in that brief exchange I finally figured it out.
The real threat here isn’t the end of the world. It’s not even fake pastors. The real threat here are podcasts!
Joe Budden and Joe Rogan just might be the anti-Christ. These two men have single handedly ruined an entire generation’s ability to discern fact from convincing fiction.
You see, podcasting is an art, and a huge part of being good at that art is being able to lie convincingly. My guy Mr. Mhakela did what any man ever would do when seated in front of some fine shyt. He lied. He threw the entire planet into chaos and turmoil all for what? To set up a holy threesome?
This pastor isn’t special. He’s not anointed by God. He isn’t chosen. He was just horny. He is a horny old man who got in front of two cute girls and immediately started lying. And according to my estimation, those two women were READY—the way he had those two girlies giggling and chuckling, he might’ve actually pulled it off.
He is an “authority” figure in his chosen religion, in front of two impressionable young ladies, telling them we have 3 days left before we meet Jesus. I know he cracked one if not both of them as soon as those cameras were cut off.
Usually I like to end my columns on a positive note… but there isn’t one. Some old dude tried to go viral and you dummies helped him do it. But don’t feel bad—that’s what podcasts are made for. To let you lie in front of a captive audience and have zero accountability after the lie is told. Unless you actually sold all your worldly possessions and practised looking up and not down like that white lady on TikTok said, then feel bad. Feel really bad because where is your common sense!?
I’ll close off with a quote from one of the kings of this podcast game, Mr. Joseph (Pump It Up) Budden himself:
“Support the lie. That’s your job. We need to bring back people supporting your lie. It ain’t enough of that no more…”
And the lie was indeed supported. Thank you all for supporting the lie, for sending this goofy old man to the stratosphere with his “prediction.” The only victim in all this are those two ladies whose podcast nobody seems to know about.
WATERMARK YOUR CONTENT LADIES! I know that God provides but you gotta take some initiative too, guys!
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