Do you have a Deputy Parent in your home? 

041parenting columnist Luchae talks about the theory of deputy parenting.

My husband and I have a brood of 5 kids (3 little ones and each of us has a bonus son). The 3 little ones are the precious angels that are half him and half me. So, why is it that when people see me alone at a shopping mall, one of the questions I am asked is: “Who are the kids with?”

When I need to travel for work, I find that people usually ask me who will be looking after the kids while I’m away. I’m not leaving them home alone to fend for themselves, Penny. They have another parent who is very capable of caring for them too!

It doesn’t end there, friends. 

I find that my kids also come to me if they are hurt or in need. I don’t know about you, but this gives me “deputy parent” vibes.

A “deputy parent” implies that there is one primary caregiver in the home (usually Mom, aka Parent-in-Chief) and one secondary caregiver (usually Dad, aka Deputy Parent).

This unspoken norm basically implies that it’s Mom’s job to care for the kids, and Dad helps.

What in the “Stepford Wives” going on?! And how are we still allowing women to shoulder all the weight at home when we march for gender equality and demand equal pay in the office?

Both parents should be participating equally in raising the children (I mean, we both equally participated in the making of the children – seems fair).

I shouldn’t have to ask Dad if he can keep an eye on the kids while I go to the shops. I mean, they’re YOUR kids too, Bruh, I’m just letting you know that I won’t be around for X amount of time.

Fathers cannot “babysit” their own children. I mean, that’s implying that Dad is doing Mom a favour by parenting the children in her absence. It also totally undermines the dad who IS putting in the work. You’re basically referring to him as temporary help.

I must admit that there has been a change in mindset over the past couple of decades. Young dads are choosing to be more present and more hands-on. (‘Sup, Millennials)

But are moms willing to give up control to accommodate the hands-on dad?

I know, I know, it’s tough! I mean, he is totally going to mess up our routine, and anyway, no one can do it the way that I do it. #amiright? But letting go of the reins would mean giving Dad an opportunity to parent HIS way. You know, using his “daddy instincts” … and not your “mommy senses”. (Which is the same as ‘spidey sense’ but with a mom-bun.)

At the end of the day, parenting should always be intentional, with the child’s best interest at heart. Developing meaningful, healthy relationships with each parent is made easier when both parents are involved in the parenting process… Deputy Parent, Parent-in-Chief, Co-Chief Parent, and – well – every other person in your organization.

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